I think I have heard it said in many different ways that where you are headed in life is far more important than where you are coming from. I had writer’s block last year and then a bad case of procrastination. It seemed my life no longer made sense on paper or even in my own thoughts. My life was rapidly changing last year and as chaotic as it was I learned I had to be comfortable being uncomfortable. Especially if my life was to change and it did.
Home is a place in my heart. I moved a lot in my younger years and I stopped getting attached to places a long time ago and more attached these days to the experience of life. Home was no longer a dwelling, but a feeling. So when my family made the choice to leave what was home for a decade, a town where we lived for decades and move to a new state, new town and all the changes that came with it, we decided to start living radically and JUMP. Now, it wasn’t any one thing or any one reason. We realized that our lives, our health, our dreams for each of us were changing and we needed to make a change or we were going to live in such a way that wasn’t what we envisioned for our future and stole our JOY. And when we all sat together, my mom included, it seemed to make more sense to move to where our family could live WELL in every aspect. The state, the town all doesn’t matter now as I write to this to share. What does matter is that the journey was worth it, it still is and its constantly changing. How many can say that they started over or took that leap or tried that new thing that would make life turn upside down so it could be right side up again because that was what life demanded? Where is HOME to you? Is it a place or is it a feeling?
“Stay curious,” was what my daughter told me in the Fall of last year. By then we were already in our new home and it sat with me and still does. A metaphor for living if you will. Always be watching, looking, wondering and asking those questions. When I wasn’t sure that my blog made sense anymore and not sure if my journey with MS could be that interesting, I sadly quit. I quit and then I LIVED. I kept a mental journal of all the titles, all the experiences, the highs and the lows, the losses and the try agains if you will. But yet I couldn’t reengage or find my way back. My writing now rusty and so much has taken place where to begin again. It hit me like a brick falling on my head when my site renewed for my blog and it cost me money then I thought okay I need to make up my mind.
So how is my current state of affairs? My MS is still stable thankfully as in no new lesions in my brain or my spine and I had another infusion in the Fall of last year that went great with the new infusion facility and new neurology group. The leap paid off big time and I guess I kind of knew it would deep down. My friendships in my life drastically changed. Some amazing ones came, some went and the true friends stayed. Actually, all of them matter and all those friendships serve a purpose in my life. While I would say some life lessons are damn hard to learn and pull at your heart till its numb it seems, I found a great deal of growth in the friendships that changed and left and I am now happy for the way it changed me. I also feel the need for much more privacy in my life and it has paid off for me in how I feel emotionally. However, that makes it hard to share at times anymore because when you are content in life, you no longer live life as a SEEKER, you STAY. I love my life everyday from the comfort of my environment, the feeling in my heart and I no longer need to escape or find that contentment anywhere but where I am. I am loving the simplicity my life brings me now and I do not feel the need to find the JOY. because the JOY now finds me and it stays.
So…do I stay with this blog or not? For now, I am going to try. I have a story and I find these days I share it as I live it, but not in writing so much now, but by my actions, my thoughts, my daily grind so to speak. I am a wife, mother, daughter, niece and friend. I wear many hats in my day. I am enjoying my grey hair and the idea of turning 42 soon. I am glad that my hard days (believe me they are still there) are teaching me to live fully for the good days. While the chaos is still there, it is in a different way. In fact, the first item of decoration for my new home was, ‘Welcome to our perfect chaos.’ I am not sure if this blog will stay only about my MS. The title, “MS’in With Your Mind,” still makes sense to me because my MS has changed me, but for the better. My incurable disease is a part of me. While I do not have to like it as someone once told me, I do have to live it and how I live my disease is my legacy. Its my story. I may not work anymore and have the accolades that I once thought defined me or even mattered. I read somewhere once that the hole 6 feet under someday is the same for all no matter what you did in life. But I will be remembered for my strength and my outlook, how I dealt with my disease, how I took care of my family and all the rest. And that now is what matters to me most of all.
So my question for you is, “Where are you headed?” What does that leap of faith look like to you and is there something deep inside of you that wants something more? If so, give a listen to it and find out. DREAM. And most of all FIND THE JOY!